everything is different, everything is the same

 Nostalgia. I'm a junkie, I admit it. For better or worse.

I've never really known how to let go of anything - or anyone, not really. 

 I think everyone is this way to some degree. It is just that we all have our own ways of holding onto people. Phrases, quirks, strange little habits we pick up - maybe you remember who you learned them from, maybe you don't. I don't know how this is relevant I just find winter makes me think of all of the people I have loved, the ones I still love - the parts of them I have held onto.

Winter is never easy for me. And right now, life is not particularly easy for me. I am dealing with a chronic illness (or two?) that is always threatening to derail my life. I have a partner with trauma related to chronic illness (others, not his) - can he even handle it if I don't manage to find some way to make this better? I don't know - neither does he. It's the kind of uncertainty that sits in the back of your mind and pokes its head out whenever you start feeling comfortable.

All the same, I wake up every day and I keep trying. I make the choice to get up every day and push my way through the uncertainty. Will I be able to walk today, or will it be too painful? Or will it be one of those days where I can't sit, can't stand - can't anything. No way to know.

The only thing I know is that I can choose to focus on the things I can do and not the ones I can't. 

That's the only way to get through.

That and drugs, which brings me to what is probably the reason I felt like writing at all tonight. In January, I am starting immunosuppressive therapy. I've put it off for several years now because I was scared.

I decided to wait until I was more scared about this illness taking over my life than I was about the treatment for it. Here we are, then - and we will see what happens in the new year.

In the interim, I am going to throw myself into work and Christmas and spending time with my family over the holidays. 

Maybe I will decide to start a blog about my adventures with biologic therapy. Or, maybe, I'll be too busy living life to write a blog. Here's hoping.